This excerpt comes from The Pearls Of Love and Logic
For Parents And Teachers by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D.
Anger vs. Empathy
I feel sad for children who are so controlled that
they seldom make mistakes.They are the disadvantaged
ones.The children who make poor choices
from time to time are the ones who get to learn more about the real world and
how it works.
Most of us can look back and see that
many of the important lessons we learned were a result of the mistakes we
made.The lessons learned best were
those in which our parents allowed us to suffer the consequences of our mistakes.These were the times when our parents used
more actions than words.
Example:Jennifer often forgets to take her homework to
school.She calls home to ask her mother
to bring the assignments to school, saying, “Gee, Mom, you don’t want me to get
a bad grade do you?”
Jennifer’s loving mother takes the
homework to school, usually with a reprimand:“How many times have I told you that I’m not going to bring this to you
anymore?”This mother is giving Jennifer
“forgetting lessons” by rescuing
her.She is using meaningless words and
not actions.Her anger is teaching
Jennifer that Mom will get angry, but it is not teaching Jennifer to remember
her homework.
Let’s suppose that Mom changes her
approach to this problem and allows the natural consequences to fall.She will be understanding when Jennifer calls
and asks her to bring her homework to school.Her answer will be, “I’m sorry, Jennifer, but I’m not available to do
that for you.”She will use as few words
as possible because she knows that children often use our words against
us.Jennifer will probably try arguing, “Now
I’m going to get a bad grade and it’s all your fault!”
Mom knows that the best way to argue with
a child is not to argue. “That may be
true.I’m sorry you forgot your
homework.I’ll see you when you get
home.“Have the best day possible under
the circumstances.”
Mom’s action in this case will provide “remembering lessons.”The words she used tell what she will do
and how sorry she feels for Jennifer.This mother is using empathy and understanding instead of anger and
lectures.
Mistakes
or Opportunities?
Our children frequently make mistakes
that hurt them.As parents, we have two
possible ways of reacting when this happens.One is to use anger and lectures.The other is to use understanding or empathy.Each of these reactions does its own special
job of teaching.
It is easy for us to see which is the
best.However, it is important to remember
that sometimes our grandparents, parents, or teachers taught us through their
actions to use anger.
If we saw and heard anger as a child, our
hardest job in parenting is overcoming this influence.
Those who are best at this plan
ahead.They know that it is difficult to
change in the “heat of battle” or when feelings are at a high pitch.Practice and rehearse new actions during
quiet times so you can come across in new and surprising ways to your youngster.It’s fun to be the one who is in control.
